The Failed Adoption

I never talk about this. It's too hard. But since I was writing about

my journey together with Eric for our 10 year anniversary yesterday

and this helped mould us into who we are now,

I find it only fitting to share this part of it too -

I was scared of getting pregnant again after our loss in 2001

 and of losing another baby so in July of 2004,

when the opportunity arose for us to adopt this sweet little baby boy,

I searched my heart and soul and decided to give it a try.

We retained an adoption attorney and we began the steps it would take to make him ours.

We got to hold him and call him ours.

The nurses in the newborn nursery called me mama when I would walk in and

they would hand him over to me. My mom and dad even got to come in and hold him.

My mom called him her grandson, said she would love him

as her own and my heart swelled with pride. In the short time he was in our lives,

I managed to dream big dreams for us as a family.

The thought that Jackie was planning a baby shower for him so that we could

properly welcome him into our lives made me so happy.

We found out he wouldn't be ours on the day we were going to the

Edelman Children's Court to see a judge.

An aunt showed up at the court before we got there and contested the adoption.

We knew we wouldn't win over someone who is related to him, so we just let it go.

We had named him Benjamin Richer Gosselin.

They changed his name to Jeremiah after the aunt took him.

I haven't seen him or heard anything about him ever since but I still wonder pretty often...

What if?