Contentment

For the first time in a long time, I feel like my life is headed in the right direction.

I don't feel like I'm grasping at straws and gasping for air. 

I'm happy more than sad. I'm smiling more than not.

I'm not always looking for something I will never find in others, only in myself.

I have patience. For a while, I was just... sad. For lack of a better word.

I just wanted to sleep. All day. But I couldn't do that to my babies.

I cried very easily. (I still do that now, but that's just me.)

I would say it was a lot like postpartum depression except

that Ella is now 19 months old so it's really a stretch to blame it on that.

St. John's Wort didn't work. Or maybe I didn't give it enough time to...

but I tried it.

It's not to say that there weren't happy moments - 'cause there were, there are.

The underlying tone of sad was just always there to take away from the happiness a little bit

and I hated that. I wanted more for my life than to have anything less than full happiness.

I want so badly to be that "suck the marrow" out of life kinda girl.

...and I realized, I am.

Not always, but I am.

I am no longer letting the circumstances surrounding my life affect how I see it or how I live it.

Lots of things contribute to the lift in my spirits...

~Kind souls who aren't in my everyday life, who BARELY know me

yet take the time to send my best friend an email to thank her for

being there for me and for being such a wonderful friend to me... people like that?

They just make the world feel like a better place.
This happened a couple of months ago, but I hold that close to me. When I start to
lose faith in goodness and kindness, I think of that and automatically, it lifts me back up.
Knowing there are people like this in my circle makes me so much more glad that I'm in it.

~Deciding to let things go. There are a few relationships that were ailing.

I've had to make the conscious decision to let past hurts go and focus

on the now and the good that could possibly come from a future relationship with these people.

In making this decision, I feel a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

Subconsciously, it bothered me more than I thought it did.

~Hearing that one of our own is sick and banding together with my peers
to pray that he pull through. Actually, FEELING like my prayers have power
and sitting during an session at church with goose bumps the ENTIRE time.
How can you not feel better and have a shift in focus after witnessing something like that?

~Taking time for me. I always use the excuse of not having the time, money, luxury or energy

to focus on myself. I noticed I am happier and more patient when I am well rested.

When I am healthier. When I feel special. When I take the extra time to
take care of me, I am a better caretaker to those around me.

Taking this step has been hard. I'm trying to dig deep and figure out why it

is that I do the things I do and why I make the decisions that I make.

Much of the time that I fall off track is because I'm feeling lonely and unseen.

When I feel fulfilled and needed and wanted, I make better decisions.

I don't need to soothe myself with other "drugs", like food or shopping.

I hate that about myself.

I don't want to have to feel needed by anyone else to feel like I have any self-worth.
I'm working on this one... a tough one to tame.

Through it all though, I was always aware of how lucky I am.

How lucky I am to have what I have in my husband, my babies, my family (both by blood and not),

to know that they could be taken away...at any given moment.

You think, "Why is she lucky to know that?"

Well, it makes me appreciate them more.
It makes me take the time to end that phone call with an I love you

and to say goodbye with a hug and a kiss.

Makes me take the time to send a random text to someone I love

to let them know that I am thinking about them and that they're important to me.

I'm sure I'll take a few steps backward every now and then.

But that's ok. I'm out of the fog for now and I am learning to roll with the punches.
I am better equipped to handle the downs and gladly accept them as learning experiences.
Life lessons.
It keeps me on my toes.
Life is more interesting that way...

I have lots of new pictures and stories to share but for now, I must get to bed.
As for the last 3, count them...3 days I have completely blown past my alarm
clock and have rudely made my morning carpool ride wait for Charlie as I
yank him out of bed, dress him in 2 minutes flat and rush him out the door with
crazy hair and crusty eyes and a totally bewildered look on his face.
Poor kid.
So, sleep wins tonight.

Sweet dreams, friends.

I leave you with my beautiful girl...

"The Talk"

Laughter is the best medicine, they say. If that's true then I definitely get my daily dose
when I watch The Talk. I love Leah Remini. Her Brooklyn attitude and dry humor
and especially her faces have me busting up out loud to myself in the wee hours of
the morning when I get time to watch all the stuff I DVRed.

I've been trying to go see this show for like 2 months now.
I can never get anyone who has the schedule or the interest to come with me.
Today, though, I found 2 suckers and we made our way into Hollywood.

(Pardon the blurry photos, these were all taken with my Blackberry)

The suckers otherwise known as my sister Nia and her new FIANCEE.

The rest of these were taken on the sly. I wasn't supposed to have my phone out, but I couldn't resist.

Leah Remini and Sarah Gilbert (Darlene from Roseanne)

Sarah Gilbert, Sharon Osborne, Holly Robinson Peete and Julie Chen

We got 2 audience giveaways! It ain't no Oprah's Favorite things but it's fun to get different

freebies. It's funny because I'd been looking into different paraben free and chemical-free

soaps and baby washes for my kids. I'm difficult in the sense that I have a very picky nose.

I can't just use any scent. AND I really happen to like these.

Original Sprout

"A day without laughter is a day wasted. "

Charlie Chaplin

Today wasn't wasted.

But it turned into a day that I'm not that fond of.

Count them, not one but TWO fevers and tummy aches at the same time.

Say a Little Prayer

In a moment of heartbreak, when I thought we were going to lose a family friend, a brother,

someones little boy, I cried. The boy is very ill and we didn't know if he would make it through

the night. Charlie asked me why I was crying so I told him. The babies and I all held hands

and I explained to them that it's good to pray by yourself, but it's even more powerful and important

when we pray in big numbers. I don't think Charlie fully understood but he followed my lead and

held onto his sisters' hands, squeezed his eyes shut tight and he prayed as best as he knew how.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest with him, in telling him that we could lose this boy.

But in the moment, I did what I thought was right.

After our prayer we went about our day and while doing some laundry,

this is what I saw when I walked into the living room:

He really did get it. He kept telling me throughout the day that he was saying prayers in his head

for the boy, Rich. He really does listen when I talk to him.

As of now, Rich is doing much better but is still not out of the woods yet.

If you can, say a little prayer for him and his family.

Everyday Life

Taxes, housework, volunteering for Charlie's school, headaches...

that's what my life has consisted of the last few days this week.

It's boring, everyday stuff but throw in a good mix of spaghetti for lunch, a HUGE mess of a room

 and a little fudgesicle mishap and as always, life becomes interesting.

She didn't want her popsicle anymore so I set it on the counter and the rest of it melted.
When she wanted it again, she reached up to grab it and the melted mess fell on her head.
She screamed Momma! REALLY loud so I came running.
Oh man, did I have a good laugh.

My little brother was living with us for about 7 months and he moved out so
Charlie now has his room back. We've been transitioning it back to Charlie's room
and hadn't quite started yet so the whole room basically become a junk drawer, of sorts.

Charlie's still been sleeping in his toddler bed. Since he's getting his room back and
becoming a big boy, we finally caved and got the kid a twin size bed.
He's in heaven. Eric's building him a bed/fort that I'm positive I will regret later
after one of my kids breaks their arm jumping off but it seems like the most
logical thing we can do space wise.
We're sorting through the big mess and hopefully we will come out of it
with toys to donate and a clean, beautiful space for Charlie to live in.

Everyday life is really underrated.

That's when the magic happens.

That's when they grow.

That's when they tell you their favorite mommy is Ponner and their favorite color is pink.

That's when you clean up faces full of fudgesicle and then

they run to you and hug your thigh and say I love you mama.

That's when they are tired beyond the point of tears and ask

you to say a prayer with them to help calm them down.

I love every day life.

Celebrating Pa

We just celebrated my dad's birthday.

It was a fabulous night with games and chocolate/raspberry cake and singing and happiness.

If I look this happy, surrounded by all 10 of my grand kids when I'm in my 50s,

I will definitely know I've done something right in life.

Check out Ella... girlfriend LOOOVES birthdays.

She LOOOVES her grandpa even more.

Happy birthday Pa, I love you more than I can say.

Pink Toes

Guess what Kate and I did today?

We had a mommy/daughter date.

 Shopping... check.

Lunch... check.

Her first-ever pedicure... check.

You should've seen this little one... shy smilin' all over that nail salon, drinkin' in all the

little Chinese ladies telling her how pretty she was, flippin' her hair over her shoulder

and hiding her little angelic face in my chest when it all got to be overwhelming for her.

It was everything I thought it would be.

Right down to her telling me to shhhh! when the lady was painting her toes

so that I wouldn't disturb her and make her mess it up.

Girlfriend even got all fancy on me...

She asked me on the way there if she could get a flower with a diamond painted on her toes.

I told her I wasn't sure if they could do that, because I'm not too fond of designs on toes.

As the technician was starting the paint her pink sparkly polish,

(which Kate made me put on my toes too)

She told the lady, "I want flower peas." and then she grinned at me.

  

Well played, Kate. Well played.

Oh man, if this isn't one of my dreams come true, I don't know what is.

I always hoped to be able to take my little girl to get pedicures with me...

 

 Shhh!

For the rest of the day she was all snuggly with me. I could tell she was grateful and that she felt pretty.

Not that she doesn't feel pretty all the time, special... that's a better word. She felt special.

And I loved every pink, sparkly second of it.