Birth Stories - {Ella Grace}

On the day of Kate's 1st birthday party, Oct. 19th, 2008, as I was shopping at Fresh & Easy for
last minute details that I'd forgotten, I came across the wine aisle. It had been a stressful week and a glass
of wine sounded really nice at that moment. I decided to take a pregnancy test so I could have a glass
with a clear mind. I grabbed one off of the shelf and left my cart full of food by the woman's bathroom door.

Crouching to pee on a stick in a tiny cubicle of a bathroom is hardly appealing, let me tell you.

As I finished checking the things off of market list, while waiting for
the results to appear, I looked down at the test half-hidden in my purse.

PREGNANT.

Oh My God.

I almost hyperventilated.
Here we were, celebrating my baby girl's first birthday
and I was already expecting another one.
To say I was surprised was an understatement.
To say I was thrilled is an even bigger one.

But I knew I'd be able to handle another little one.
I had plenty of help and I wasn't worried at all about it.

The due date was July 4th, 2009. How symbolic.
I have always LOVED the 4th of July and what it meant to us as a country.
Freedom, hard work, pride... how awesome to have a baby on that date.

Ella's pregnancy was a breeze for me. I was hardly as sick as I was with my other 2. I followed my
body's cues and took it easy when I felt I needed it. Losing my Granny while I was expecting was
extremely tough to endure. Thank god for my close-knit family who pulled through it together.

I found out it would be another girl at the end of January.

Two girls, less than 2 years apart. It was my dream come true.

Having given birth three time before, I started to think about what I really wanted this time around.

I hardly consider myself to be a "crunchy mom" by any means.

1. crunchy mama

Mother who supports home birth, breastfeeding, baby wearing, 
cloth diapering, co-sleeping, gentle discipline, etc. One who questions 
established medical authority; tends to be vegetarian and/or prepare 
all-organic foods. See crunchy and hippie.

"That crunchy mama is breastfeeding in public again!"

Courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com

I do enjoy some of the perks of modern living as they do make life easier.
I've been known to let my kid play in the pack n' play or their crib while I get
some work done around the house.
I've co-slept but not exclusively. I breastfed all my kids but not as long as I would have
liked to (The longest was Katelyn until 6 months) but
I've also gone the easier route and given them bottles of formula too.
I tried cloth diapering with Kate for about 2 months before I gave up on it.
I try to feed the kids the healthiest food I could get my hands on

but they also get McDonald's more times than I'd care to admit.

But when it came to natural childbirth/home birth, I was intrigued to say the least.

I had strong, distinct feelings about how I wanted Ella's birth to go.
As natural as it could be in the hospital and with the least medical intervention possible.
No drugs to alter either of our experiences; mine nor Ella's.

I got my hands on a very insightful and VERY interesting documentary
by Ricki Lake that changed all my views on childbirth.

"The Business of Being Born."

A home birth would have been perfect for me had it not
been for my issues with needing a cerclage.

So, I chose the next best thing.

I was very laid back at the end of my pregnancy. I felt beautiful and empowered.

I was afraid of not bonding with Ella. It took forever to even come up with a name I liked for her.
She was originally supposed to be Emma but it was too popular and that turned me off.
I wanted something better for her.

I was also afraid of not loving Ella like I loved my other kids.
I was always afraid of not having enough love to go around.
Of giving one less than the other.
I did not want that for any of the babies.

On the night of June 29th, after a stressful, emotional day, I started having contractions.
I thought they were just stress induced and tried to take it easy. I drank lots of water.

They subsided a little bit and I was able to go enjoy a dinner with my little family and
friends at the Elephant Bar.

Eric had to work the following day so I made Jaclyne stay over night because the contractions
started coming back and weren't going away. I suddenly got the urge to clean the floor at 1am.
Who knew nesting was a real thing? Clean the floor, I did.
On my hands and knees with my great, big pregnant belly.

Come 7am the contractions were 5 minutes apart and strong enough to bring me to my knees.

J called Eric and my mom & then loaded the 3 kids in her car and raced me down to

Kaiser where she dropped me off. J drove the kids back home where Steph kept them for me.

I sent out a mass text to my family and aunts to update them.

I checked myself in and cursed through the contractions
by myself in the L & D Triage hallway.

My mom arrived and I was hooked up to the fetal doppler

They gave me something to help me sleep and Eric and my mom went to eat breakfast.

J stayed with me and sat back quietly while my body
labored to prepare to bring our little Ella into this world.

The pain was almost unbearable. I writhed in my bed and nothing could soothe me.
The pressure was intense and the burning felt like it was going to kill me.
I screamed and I prayed.
I cried like a big baby.

There were quite a few moments when I wanted to say screw it, give me the epidural
but I knew I wouldn't be happy with myself if I did.
I knew I would be disappointed. So I powered through.

When I was ready to be wheeled to the delivery room at noon, my mom had left to go take
care of some work stuff and Eric was all suited up in the infamous blue jumpsuit again.

As we rounded the corner, J was coming back from her own work stuff and the nurse asked her if
she wanted to be in the delivery room.  At that point, I didn't care who saw me in all my glory.
I just wanted to push my girl out and meet her already 

(and also be relieved of the immense pain I was in).

The pushing was... there is no word for it. Take-your-breath-away, mind-numbing, surreal.

Fire. I felt like I was on fire. I wanted to give up halfway through,

certain that I was not strong enough to withstand it..

I'd always heard about the "ring of fire" but to me, it was always just a Johnny Cash song.

The ring of fire and I became close friends during the unmedicated birth of Ella.

I remember squeezing Eric's hand with all my might,

and looking up into Jaclyne's eyes and telling her 

to help me and that I couldn't do this anymore.

She said to me in her calm, sure voice, "You can do this Ponnie. 

I'm here with you. You can do this"

She told me to keep going, that I was doing wonderfully.

And right then, I knew I could and would do it.

I squeezed Eric's hand again and he smiled and I pushed with all that I had in me.

At 12:59pm, little Ella made her appearance into this beautiful world.

Unlike my other 2 births, right away she was placed on my chest.
I was enamored by this purple, gooey, crying 8.8 lb, 20 inch thing on my chest.
She held my finger and she cried. 

And I cried.

I could tell right away that this breath of heaven looked just like me. 

She had my nose and my Granny's nose but so much cuter!

The moment was euphoric. The pain was gone and I had Ella in my arms. I had done it.

She was weighed and measured and she cried through it. Then, Eric brought her back to me and
she wrapped her little fingers around my one big finger. Crying stopped.

She looked around her new surroundings.

I remember she had a perfectly round head and her birth

was so fast and furious that her whole face was bruised.

Oh, but she was beautiful.

She was washed and dressed and we were wheeled up to our room for the night.

I held her so proudly as the kind nurse pushed my wheelchair through the halls.

We stopped at the antepartum NST room to show the ladies there who

I'd been carrying in my tummy all those times I had to go in there to be monitored.

Our room quickly filled with friends and family who came to see the newest little Gosselin.

It was so cheerful and sweet to see all those people holding my girl.
Saying how cute she was, how perfect she was.

Kate and Charlie came to meet their new little sister. Charlie was SO proud.

Miss Kate... she wanted nothing to do with either of us.

She was freaked out by all the tubes and wires and people surrounding us. 

It broke my heart how Kate wouldn't even look at me.

Charlie, on the other hand, he was in love.

We had a cake to celebrate Ella's birthday.

I got to spend one whole night with Ella and Jaclyne. Eric took Charlie and Kate home.

We stayed up late. Taking turns holding her. Studying her. Kissing her.

I marveled at how much better I felt after this birth than I did
after having my other 2. I was energized. Not groggy. I could walk around.
I was of clear mind when I met my daughter. What a gift that was.
What a gift it was to know how far my body could go, how much it could endure.
It made me love my body.

The next morning disappointment and heartache set in when Ella had to be taken to the NICU
because she too, had tested positive for Coombs disease. It caused extreme jaundice in her
and she had to be under the lights for almost 4 days.

I was so sad leaving her there. Memories came flooding back from Charlie.

Ella in her incubator under the bili lights sportin' her cool shades.

She made progress and I breastfed her as much as I could and when I couldn't breastfeed,

I pumped for her. Her bilirubin numbers slowly came down and she was able to
come home on the 4th of July. 

First bath at home with my mom

It's funny thinking back at how I thought I wouldn't love her enough.

Instead of not having enough love to go around, she made my heart even bigger,
stretched it right out and found a little nook in there that was all her own.
There was more than enough love to go around.

I learned that from Ella.

My wise-beyond-her-years, newborn baby daughter. Who would've thought?

Since Ella's was the only birth that was witnessed by 

someone other than me or Eric, 

I asked Jaclyne to write down her account of 

the story and the details of her unique experience.

It took a bit of coercing,

(procrastinator extraordinaire)

 but I finally got it.

It didn't disappoint.

Here is the day of Ella's birth through the eyes of JB:

 

My sweet, beautiful Ella... 

The night before you were born, your Mama started having contractions. So I slept over

just in case you decided to come before the next day. The next morning, your Mama woke 

me up and said her contractions were coming every 4 to 5 minutes and they were strong. 

In a frenzy of excitement, I ran and pulled sleeping Kate and Charlie from their beds. We

loaded up the car with sleeping babies, bags and a Mama who was in full labor. On the drive

over, your Mama did her best, trying to breathe through the pain of the contractions. She 

was set on giving birth naturally and we fully supported her decision.

The day flew by so quickly, one minute I was bringing Kate and Charlie back home, then the

next minute I was walking back into the hospital to your Mama being wheeled into the 

delivery room. I was going to wish her a safe delivery and give her my love, but next thing I

knew I was being ushered into the delivery room as well. It was an unexpected yet amazing

surprise. I quickly put my purse away under the bed and took my place beside your Mama. 

I held her left hand, while your Daddy held her right hand. It didn't take very long for you to

make your entrance into this world. After the final push, the doctor said she saw your head

and out you came...You were such a beautiful little butterball. It was an out of body 

experience filled with love, excitement and pure happiness. The doctor wrapped you in a

blanket and placed you in your Mama's arms. Your Mama and Daddy were so proud 

and beyond blessed to hold you, their little beauty in their arms. Words cannot even begin to

describe the moment you came into this world. You were only minutes young and we could 

already see how much you looked like your Mama.  I was so lost in the beautiful miracle of 

life that I almost forgot to take pictures of your first breaths. I quickly took out your Mama's

camera and snapped away... trying to capture a slice of this magical moment in time.

My sweet, beautiful Ella... from the first time I saw you, your big soulful brown eyes captured

my heart. Even now, you have such a delightful mannerism with an easygoing, soft spoken

voice. You are truly my little love child, I am so truly grateful to be a part of your life.... 

Jackie xoxo