Birth Stories - {Charlie}

I never took the time to sit down and really write out the details of my kids' births. It's something I've always wanted to do. I try to do things for my babies that I as an adult wish I had. I wish I had a written account by my mom of the night I was born. How she felt, what she was doing... what she thought of me. So, I am giving that gift to my kids because I think it's pretty cool to be able to. 
I'll start with Charlie because - well, because he's the first. 
Then, I will post Kate's and then Ella's.  

Deep breath. Here it goes: 

I found out I was pregnant with Charlie on September 28th, 2004. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I wasn't even late yet. I had a dollar store test in the bathroom and I figured what could it hurt if I tested? I took the test and set it on the counter in the kitchen while I did some cleaning around the house. When I walked by, I caught a glimpse of the little test and there was a second line. I thought that there was no way it was right. But I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. I ran to the car and drove myself to Food 4 Less. I bought a digital test and took it. Right away, the words PREGNANT showed up.

The word happiness doesn't do justice to what I felt right then.
My due date was our 5th wedding anniversary, June 9th, 2005

It's hard to remember every tiny detail of Charlie's birth because it has now been over 5 years. I want to sit here and close my eyes and transport myself to that day. Just so I can relive every little detail and write it down so that he will know how he came into this world and just how very much he was wanted. 

I had been on bed rest since Feb 8th, 2005 when Dr. Li told me that I was at risk for having Charlie too early at 22 weeks. The earliest that a baby can survive out of the mother's womb is a controversial 24 weeks. I was terrified. If I had Charlie then, there was no way he would survive. So, on strict bed rest I went. I only got out of bed to use the restroom, to take twice weekly showers, and to go to my Dr. appointments. That's it. Seriously. The rest of the time I laid in bed. I listened to music & watched TV,
I poked around on my laptop, I ate and I talked on the phone.

Every day was a triumph. I celebrated every night when I went to sleep with a little prayer to God thanking him for keeping me pregnant 

one more day and letting me get closer to viability.

Dr. appointments became fun to me. I could get out into the 

real world and feel the sunshine on my face. 

Sept. 2004                                                 Dec. 2004

When I was well past the point of viability and feeling a little more secure in my pregnancy, Jaclyne and my sister Keeny got the okay from my Dr. to throw me a baby shower on March 26th, 2005. I was 29 weeks pregnant and my belly was finally filling out and becoming rounded. I was in heaven.  

All my friends and family were there to fete my boy's upcoming birth.

Two weeks later, after having dinner at my parents house one night, I went home not feeling well. I thought I had a stomach ache and needed to sleep. At 4am, I was awoken with contractions that were coming every 5 to 8 minutes. I couldn't believe this was happening. Eric had to work and couldn't get out of his obligation so Jaclyne took me to the hospital. 

After being hooked up on all the machines, it was determined that yes, 
I was in fact contracting and with a cerclage in place, this could 
really take a bad turn if I started to dilate.

Right away I was given a series of 2 steroid shots to help 
Charlie's lungs mature more quickly in case he was born then. 
Then, I was given Terbutaline, a drug used to stop contractions. 
It didn't work at first. They kept on coming although they slowed down just a bit. 

I was admitted to the hospital. Completely afraid and worried about what would happen to my boy if I had him then. I was only 30 weeks and a few days pregnant. 

That's almost 10 whole weeks premature! 

When the Terb wasn't doing what it should be, I was started on Magnesium Sulfate. 
That's used to delay labor in hopes of preventing preterm birth. 
That made me feel really weak and slow. It gave me a major headache and made me nauseous. 
But it did buy me 3 days of growing Charlie inside me. On the morning of the 8th, it was obvious that nothing was going to stop this little guy from coming. 
He was ready and wanted out. My cerclage was removed.

At that moment, I was very, very humbled. I realized that it was out of my hands. All I could do was pray. 
And I did. Over and over again. 
I had done my very best to try to keep Charlie inside where it was optimal for him to be. 
I tried as hard as I could. I can assure you of that.

I was given an epidural. The rest is very foggy to me because of the Magnesium.  

To the best of my memory, I will try to piece it together. 

I labored pretty quickly. My Dr. was a young resident, Jennifer Halem 
(who also delivered Julianne, Charlie's cousin 2 weeks later). 
She was very encouraging and soothing to me. 

My husband was given a blue suit to put on along with a cap and we were wheeled back into the delivery room. 
Due to the high risk of the situation, no one 

was allowed to be in the delivery room with us.

I had a hard time feeling my legs because of the epidural. It was hard for me to control my body. I was shaking a lot from the drugs I'd been given. I pushed 4 times and out came my tiny, tiny little guy. See, the entire time I was in the hospital, my biggest fear was that he wouldn't cry when he was born. But as soon as he came out, he cried and my heart just soared and I immediately cried with him. I wasn't even allowed to hold him. 

The NICU team had to work on him because he was having a little bit of trouble breathing. 

They put a tube in his throat to help him along. I didn't even really get to see him. 

I just saw a tiny little head with black hair that always made me think of duck feathers. 

I called it his duck hair. It was kind of downy. 

At 3:17 pm, Charlie R. Gosselin was born weighing in at 4 lbs. 1 oz. and his length was 16 3/4 inches.

Eric kept giggling throughout it all. I had given him the monumental task of photographing Charlie's first moments of life.  He did a fabulous job getting photos of everything he could until the NICU team took Charlie away. 

Eric followed him and I was left alone to get stitched up. 

See his little duck hair?

The first time I got to see Charlie was after I was settled in the room I would stay in at the hospital for the next 4 days. Eric was with Charlie and Jaclyne wheeled me into the NICU in my wheelchair. I donned my purple robe and met the little person that changed my whole life. I cried quiet, thankful tears that he was okay. I cried passionate, fierce tears of love that I felt for him, I cried hot, angry tears because I didn't want Charlie to be sick. I didn't want him to have been born too early and be in the NICU. I felt shame in that for some reason. 
Like, once again, my body had failed to protect the little being growing within it. 

I stared at this little creature I had created. I watched his chest go up and down. I kissed his little duck hair and marveled at his dimple. I let his hand hold my finger and I made so many promises to him about the life I would give him. I watched and wondered what was going through his little head as he smiled drunk smiles at us. I took great pride in the fact that this little thing I made and housed in me actually recognized my voice.

He only had the cpap for a day or so and then he graduated to a nasal cannula, which is just the tube they place in front of your nose to keep a constant flow of oxygen to the lungs.  I spent much of my time in the hospital being wheeled back and worth from my room to Charlie's, with occasional detours at 3am to the cafeteria to have Snickers bars with J. 

Then, for the first time in 2 months, I was able to walk. 

That felt weird. Suddenly, I was mobile again.

After another day, he was doing so well that he was moved to the newborn nursery. This is where the feeder/growers go. They stay there until they are able to drink out of a bottle and be a certain weight. At first, Charlie wasn't eating enough and hadn't developed a strong enough suck so he had to be fed through a tube placed down his throat to his tummy.

Charlie's home for the first 4 weeks of his life.

It was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do, when I was discharged and had to leave Charlie at the hospital.
I cried the entire way home and then for 2 hours after that.
The same hot, angry tears of sadness and disappointment
all mixed in with new mama hormones, of course.

I pumped my breast milk like a mad woman. I knew that this magical liquid gold was the very best thing I could do for my premature little newbie. The 4 weeks that he was in the NICU flew by with daily (sometimes 3 times daily) visits to spend time with him and hold him. I was all about the kangaroo care. I didn't care who was around, when I was at his bedside, my shirt was coming off and he & I would share what was the first of thousands of snuggles between us. He grew slowly but surely. He did all the things he was supposed to do. Passed every test, every brain ultrasound, every EKG. 

Charlie getting a little bit of exercise in...

 A proud momma. 

The NICU is open 24 hours and you're allowed to call at any time of the day or night to get updates on your child. Boy, did I take advantage of this rule. If I couldn't sleep or was worried about him at 3am, all I had to do was pick up the phone... "Yes, this is Charlie's mom... how is he doing?" Charlie's mom. Me. I was someone's mom. 

It took me a long time to get over that one. 

This was and still is Charlie's favorite way to sleep. Hands behind his head.

Charlie's last day in the NICU

Bye Kaiser Hospital!!!

On my first Mother's Day as a REAL mom, we got to bring home our little 5 pound boy. We brought him home to my mom and dad's house on Grand where J had gotten us a little Welcome Home Charlie cake with ducks on it.

My mom carried on the tradition of giving baby the first bath home from the hospital. 

This is by far one of my favorite pictures.

The rest is history. 

That preemie is now 5 and about to start Kindergarten and 

has pretty much fulfilled every dream we ever had for him...