Contentment

For the first time in a long time, I feel like my life is headed in the right direction.

I don't feel like I'm grasping at straws and gasping for air. 

I'm happy more than sad. I'm smiling more than not.

I'm not always looking for something I will never find in others, only in myself.

I have patience. For a while, I was just... sad. For lack of a better word.

I just wanted to sleep. All day. But I couldn't do that to my babies.

I cried very easily. (I still do that now, but that's just me.)

I would say it was a lot like postpartum depression except

that Ella is now 19 months old so it's really a stretch to blame it on that.

St. John's Wort didn't work. Or maybe I didn't give it enough time to...

but I tried it.

It's not to say that there weren't happy moments - 'cause there were, there are.

The underlying tone of sad was just always there to take away from the happiness a little bit

and I hated that. I wanted more for my life than to have anything less than full happiness.

I want so badly to be that "suck the marrow" out of life kinda girl.

...and I realized, I am.

Not always, but I am.

I am no longer letting the circumstances surrounding my life affect how I see it or how I live it.

Lots of things contribute to the lift in my spirits...

~Kind souls who aren't in my everyday life, who BARELY know me

yet take the time to send my best friend an email to thank her for

being there for me and for being such a wonderful friend to me... people like that?

They just make the world feel like a better place.
This happened a couple of months ago, but I hold that close to me. When I start to
lose faith in goodness and kindness, I think of that and automatically, it lifts me back up.
Knowing there are people like this in my circle makes me so much more glad that I'm in it.

~Deciding to let things go. There are a few relationships that were ailing.

I've had to make the conscious decision to let past hurts go and focus

on the now and the good that could possibly come from a future relationship with these people.

In making this decision, I feel a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

Subconsciously, it bothered me more than I thought it did.

~Hearing that one of our own is sick and banding together with my peers
to pray that he pull through. Actually, FEELING like my prayers have power
and sitting during an session at church with goose bumps the ENTIRE time.
How can you not feel better and have a shift in focus after witnessing something like that?

~Taking time for me. I always use the excuse of not having the time, money, luxury or energy

to focus on myself. I noticed I am happier and more patient when I am well rested.

When I am healthier. When I feel special. When I take the extra time to
take care of me, I am a better caretaker to those around me.

Taking this step has been hard. I'm trying to dig deep and figure out why it

is that I do the things I do and why I make the decisions that I make.

Much of the time that I fall off track is because I'm feeling lonely and unseen.

When I feel fulfilled and needed and wanted, I make better decisions.

I don't need to soothe myself with other "drugs", like food or shopping.

I hate that about myself.

I don't want to have to feel needed by anyone else to feel like I have any self-worth.
I'm working on this one... a tough one to tame.

Through it all though, I was always aware of how lucky I am.

How lucky I am to have what I have in my husband, my babies, my family (both by blood and not),

to know that they could be taken away...at any given moment.

You think, "Why is she lucky to know that?"

Well, it makes me appreciate them more.
It makes me take the time to end that phone call with an I love you

and to say goodbye with a hug and a kiss.

Makes me take the time to send a random text to someone I love

to let them know that I am thinking about them and that they're important to me.

I'm sure I'll take a few steps backward every now and then.

But that's ok. I'm out of the fog for now and I am learning to roll with the punches.
I am better equipped to handle the downs and gladly accept them as learning experiences.
Life lessons.
It keeps me on my toes.
Life is more interesting that way...

I have lots of new pictures and stories to share but for now, I must get to bed.
As for the last 3, count them...3 days I have completely blown past my alarm
clock and have rudely made my morning carpool ride wait for Charlie as I
yank him out of bed, dress him in 2 minutes flat and rush him out the door with
crazy hair and crusty eyes and a totally bewildered look on his face.
Poor kid.
So, sleep wins tonight.

Sweet dreams, friends.

I leave you with my beautiful girl...