Alive

This space has intimidated me. Many times, I've logged in, pressed play

on the play list that normally sets my creative juices flowing, and 

placed my fingers on the keys... and then choked. Too much to say. 

Not the right words to say it. So I stepped away. 

I've been in the space of survival these past few months. 

I've been worrying. I'm a worrier. Don't get me wrong, I'm also a warrior.

But the worrier in me gets the best of my 'find joy' mantra in life.

I've been known to say, "Let go and let God." I believe that we should do that. 

Believing something and being able to execute that belief is two different things.

Letting go is freakin' hard!

I was recently told by a good friend that I don't always have to smile.

And that I don't always have to do everything and be perfect. 

As a mom these days, its hard not to feel like you have to do that. 

Pinterest and Instagram and Facebook... they're all wonderful ways to connect

to others and be inspired and to inspire others. Those social media

sites are also often the catalyst to me seeing all the things that I could

and probably should be doing and then the feeling of overwhelmedness

(is that a word? It is now...) sets in and instead of doing the best I can, I 

just crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. 

 That's never great for the mountain of laundry accumulating in my hallway

that we almost have to jump over at this point...

I've kept myself crazy busy. Busy equals no time to worry. 

Busy also equals stress and wearing yourself way too thin.

I've been able to let go a little with the news of my mom's 

PET scan results showing that our plan of attack is working. 

We've fallen into a routine and this life has become our new normal.

I hate that. I hate that bi-monthly chemo sessions and an

every day life where our kids can't hang out with my mom is normal for us. 

The life we knew before this is a distant memory...

The good thing about that, though, is that we have all this space

to create a new normal that is filled with love and joy and

the ability to appreciate all the little moments because we saw a glimpse 

of a life without those moments. Those moments were almost

taken away from us. As scary as that is to swallow, and it truly is, 

we choose the opposite. We choose to laugh and love.

I guess the whole point is that things aren't perfect.

It's okay to be mad. It's okay to not smile. It's okay to pull the cover over your head.

It's okay.

But only for a little while. Because there is life out there to be enjoyed.

There are waves to run into and shells to be collected. 

There are Ellas to love and Grandmas to hug.

We are alive and that's what matters right now.

 

 

Call me crazy, but my mom has never been more beautiful. 

That, I am certain of.