The road ahead...

"Your lymphoma has returned."

Those are the very last words I wanted 
to hear spoken about my mom. 

Those are the exact words I'd been praying I 
wouldn't hear from the doctor for the entire time 
it took for us to get results back from the testing.

Those are the nagging words I had convinced myself that I
was just being a worry wart for nothing when my mom
wasn't feeling great during that previous summer. I
had dismissed those thoughts as quickly as 
they had entered my mind because she's had this 
cancer before and beaten it 15 years ago.
How could she have to do this again??
How could one person endure so much?!
There was no way it could be back.

Yet, here we were.


Classic Hodgkins Lymphoma - Stage 4


CANCER.

With those 4 words, "Your lymphoma has returned."
Our whole world changed in an instant.
All of our priorities shifted and realigned themselves.
 

 Dealing with all the emotions and feelings
that come out when you first learn that you
and your family have now started the journey
in fighting for your mom's life is almost 
 unexplainable. 


She is still so young. She's only just turned 60.
We still have so many years to spend together. She
still has so many memories to make with my dad, with 
her kids and with our babies. 
Those 10 grandbabies who adore her so.
  
 
I am so incredibly mad that she has to do this again.
It makes my cheeks hot with anger just thinking about
what she will have to endure in the coming months. 
Our plan of attack is to fight this with Chemo for 8 months.
  
 
15 years ago, I was a young, selfish teenager
who didn't know any better. 15 years ago, I wasn't
there for my mom like I should've been when she 
was fighting for her life. 15 years ago, 
I didn't realize the true gift I had been given 
 by being born to my parents. I didn't know that then.

But I sure as hell know it now.

Now I know better. So I will do better.
And I get the chance to prove it to them
every day. I get to take care of them and
thank them, not only with words, but with
actions for everything they've done
and been to all 7 of us kids our whole lives.


The oldest sister/protector in me has the 
insatiable need to heal her and make it 
all better for my siblings, for my family.
The daughter in me is worried and really scared.
The mom in me feels like a warrior because
my babies, they love their grandma. They haven't
yet fully had the chance to know my mom's heart of gold.


We need her.


I need you, Ma.
We will fight this with everything we have.
I will be there, always, for anything you need.
And I will use the best way I have, my words,
to document and share our journey.
It is my therapy.

With lots of love and much courage, 
we will beat this again... you have a
HUGE community behind you and the prayers
are already overwhelmingly comforting.

We truly appreciate all of them and take them all to heart.
I can assure you of that.

A really good friend told me to remember providence.
Those words stay with me all the time and couldn't 
have come at a more perfect moment.
 
   Divine guidance or care.

 

  I'm sure that this will change often
and fear will creep in every once in a while
but today, I feel hope. I feel hopeful
and optimistic that you will beat this.
I feel that because I see you. 
I see the positivity and the selflessness in you. 
I see the light in you and I love you.
Always.


“Be faithful in small things because 
it is in them that your strength lies.”
  - Mother Theresa



You have all these small things...

Richie
Carrie
Angie
Charlie
Julianne
Mark
Kate
Ben
 Ella
Isabelle

Find your strength in them...